.  After closing the door, I heaved a sigh. My mom was right. There wasn’t any specific reason to call Yoo Chun Young, but I could keep in touch with him anyway; however, I wasn’t able to do that since Yoo Chun Young and I had eventually fought a few days ago.

  Perching on my bed, I closed my eyes and heaved another sigh again. The reason we fought was, again, something ludicrous. Even Eun Hyung, who had been around us at the time when we had argued, shook his head against the cause of our fight.

  I accepted to take some physical tests and spent almost every day in the hospital; however, I was out of time to get psychiatric treatments that required regular counseling.

  During this summer break, I was setting a goal for myself to obtain a satisfactory result in studying. My grades didn’t have to be equivalent to those of Ban Yeo Ryung or the Four Heavenly Kings, but, at least, I wanted to raise them high enough to belong in the upper ranks of the whole school.

  Unlike my planned goal, I wasted so much time going back and forth between a few clinics, but now I was asked for assessing the possibilities of post-traumatic stress disorder. If I should go through all that, my grades would surely go down instead of going up.

  My decision was to stay with them in college, or at least in Seoul after graduation; however, that would have been insufficient for them to just leave me alone studying.

  The reason why I fought with Yoo Chun Young was, however, something else.

  In the psychiatric clinic hallway, Yoo Chun Young asked me with a cold and sore face.

  ‘Why do you keep saying that you weren’t afraid?’


  ‘What?’


  ‘Those can’t have been not scary.’


  I was at a loss of words, so I went dumb for a second then replied bluntly.

  ‘But I really wasn’t afraid at all. I don’t think I’ll be trembling when I see black cars or warehouses. I’m just fine!’


  ‘Why are you so confident? You didn’t run any tests yet.’


  ‘That’s because…’


  I paused then just sealed my mouth again. I wasn’t afraid since I had roughly reckoned on such a thing would happen, at least, once in my lifetime… How could I utter these things to him?

  When I continued to have a long pause in the middle of my remark, Yoo Chun Young, who was looking down at me, slightly narrowed his dark blue eyes.

  Eun Hyung, beside us, tried to make us stop fighting over such a trivial thing, but as I saw the look on Yoo Chun Young’s face, I eventually read his mind. With his sensitive instinct, Yoo Chun Young might have definitely noticed that I was hiding something again.

  We then walked side by side in the hallway. That was when Yoo Chun Young suddenly blurted out something from his mouth.

  ‘Because you can just go back?’


  ‘What?’


  Asking him back like that, I raised my eyes but soon had eye contact with Yoo Chun Young, who was sending a straightforward gaze to me.

  As I remained silent while having my mouth shut tightly, Yoo Chun Young continued to speak.

  ‘Because you can go back and forget everything that happened here?’


  ‘No, it’s not what you think.’


  Pushing his arm away from me in embarrassment, I, on the other hand, couldn’t help but ask myself, ‘Have you never really thought that way?’ The answer was no.

  I quickly became confused again.

  What Choi Yuri said to me before… ‘Do you see me now?’ She told me to look at her as a real person, not a character inside a novel.

  Was I still not being able to be honest and true to her remark at all?

  I then quickly raised my head upon Yoo Chun Young’s words that came after.

  ‘You don’t like the dark.’


  ‘Yikes.’


  ‘You also hate having many strangers around you.’


  While I cast down my eyes, Yoo Chun Young spoke nonchalantly.

  ‘You won’t be fine, but you’re just repeating that you’re not…’


  ‘I am really okay.’


  ‘What makes you think like that?’


  When Yoo Chun Young flung that question, I, again, had to behave as dumb as an oyster. He was so sharp and quick-witted. I couldn’t deny that.

  Yoo Chun Young always found and pointed out only the things I had left unspoken or couldn’t reveal to these kids.

  When I just bent my steps wordlessly, Yoo Chun Young fetched a sigh.

  He then suddenly turned around and uttered a reply that made me blench and pause.

  ‘I got it. Fine.’


  I wondered, ‘I got it? What on earth did you get?’


  Did he get the reason why I had to leave things unspoken?

  Or did he understand it as himself only having just a small existence inside me?

  If it was the latter, he shouldn’t get me wrong; however, I couldn’t attempt to break down his misunderstanding while being afraid of the fact that I should also respond to his previous questions. Yoo Chun Young then threw a glance at me and walked ahead with a sigh. That was the end of our conversation on that day.

  Anyway, Eun Jiho and Jooin, who came afterward, worried and begged at the same time while asking me, ‘Why aren’t you taking PTSD assessment and treatments?’ I, therefore, was forced to go through a psychiatric examination. The result, of course, came out the same as my expectation; there were no aftereffects left. Still, I didn’t say anything with Yoo Chun Young; besides, he left Korea and flew abroad, so we couldn’t keep in touch for a while.

  Yoo Chun Young and I were always something like this. Once we fought, no one reached out first; therefore, things weren’t resolved quickly. As we got to keep seeing each other while hanging out with other kids, we seemed to bury the memory but, for some reason, the problem between us was dragged to the surface. Things always repeated between us like that way.

  Reviewing our situation to that extent, I heaved a sigh. That was when my phone vibrated in the pocket.

  Eh?

  I twisted myself while sitting on the bed then took out the phone from the pocket. My face stiffened. After quite a while, I murmured, “… He’s always like this…”


  It was such perfect timing.

  Touching my forehead for a while, I opened my flip phone and brought it next to my ear.

  “Hello?”


  [You ain’t sleeping yet.]

  His voice that I got to hear, at last, after a few days was still calm. It sounded like nothing had happened between us.

  Smiling faintly, I opened my mouth.

  “Yeah, you noticed that so easily.”


  [Eun Jiho told me he just had a phone call with you.]

  “Oh…”


  [He seemed to wonder about why you and Ban Yeo Ryung were reaching out to him quite often.]

  “Oh, you know, there’s a reason,” I said with a giggle.

  I left aside that Eun Jiho cried and just spoke about how surprised he would have felt. Ban Yeo Ryung and I, therefore, promised to make calls one by one from day to day on purpose. When I told Yoo Chun Young about this, his reactions quickly turned apathetic.

  I uttered, “But look, what if Eun Jiho still behaves quiet and depressed from the shock of the incident even after the semester begins?”


  Yoo Chun Young, who seemed to have thought for a while, replied cool-headedly.

  [Well, that’s a disaster too.]

  “Isn’t it? Eun Jiho should remain as himself. That’s the best.”


  [I agree.]

  After Yoo Chun Young answered back with a smiley voice, which rarely happened, a moment of silence returned.

  Rolling my eyes, I soon chattered about random things again in bewilderment. The stories I shared with Eun Jiho over the phone a while ago… How many guys Ban Yeo Ryung dumped today, and up to what chapters I finished self-studying… My voice, however, subsided in the end.

  Biting my lips in another silence, I fell into thought.

  This way wouldn’t help to break the wall between Yoo Chun Young and myself anymore. It wasn’t more than a temporary solution, which was just leaving the problem behind on purpose.

  As if he wondered about the sudden silence, Yoo Chun Young called my name.

  [Ham Donnie?]

  That was when I blurted out something on the spur of the moment.

  “I don’t know how to make you feel better.”


  […]

  That was true. Whenever they expressed their feelings, I had no idea how to deal with them, especially when we had a fight.

  Besides, when an argument took place between me and Yoo Chun Young, it was impossible to just move on, whereas, I could just exchange a punch with Eun Jiho or listen to Eun Hyung’s strict speech to recover our relationship after a quarrel.

  In other words, unlike Eun Jiho or Eun Hyung, who learned well how to get along in the world, Yoo Chun Young never took a detour. I had to be straightforward with him. That sometimes saved me, and sometimes flummoxed me; thus, after our fight, I sincerely didn’t know what to do.