On Saturday, I went to film city to film the Bloody Battle of Jin Ling.

  Director Cao was waiting for me in front of a restaurant freezer with six other casually dressed employees to film the freezer scene.

  Seeing me, the lighting technician was the first to yell:

  “You look really similar to Wu Sheng, are you guys biological brothers?”


  I don’t have such a melancholic brother. I later heard that since Wu Sheng moved to Switzerland, their suicide rate for that increased by 4%, but not sure if it was related to Wu Sheng.

  Since short films are short in time, the plot is condensed. My only job today was to dress up as Jin Ling young thug and fight a couple times in the freezer with ‘righteous’ martial artists (The masked justice men are cameos by the owner of the restaurant and the head chef. Apparently Director Cao gave them the opportunity to appear on film to pay for the venue).

  Director Cao told me to go easier on the people I was fighting since they were the ones who owned the freezer. I thought that Wu Sheng would have never agreed since he’s a good actor who pays attention to a character’s traits.

  But I don’t really care about the results of the short film series, so I agreed.

  The most important part was Director Cao told me to put on a gold Rolex and instructed me to purposely raise my arm when the fight starts to reveal the watch.

  I also readily agreed since it was still Wu Sheng’s name in the credits.

  Previously, shooting was always delayed due to Wu Sheng’s opposition of inserting advertisements. Now, everyone rejoiced and celebrated after Director Cao had finally found an actor like him who had no integrity.

  Everyone cooperated flawlessly and was able to finish shooting the scene in 15 minutes.

  Later, I realized the reason everyone was so focused was because they didn’t want to stay inside the freezer that reached a temperature of -30 degrees Celsius. Even if everyone had down jackets, we would still be trembling after staying inside for too long.

  One of the people caught a cold because of the sudden shifts in temperature between hot and cold and had to go to a clinic like Wu Sheng. I just caught a cold recently and was more careful, so I was fine.

  Director Cao was beaming since everything went smoothly. He told me he would still pay me according to Wu Sheng’s contract. The pay was probably not as high as what I was paid in the American set, but it was better than nothing.

  I finished work early, so I wore my casual clothes and walk towards the Magic Cauldron set to go see Ai Mi.

  Unexpectedly, I met her on my way there.

  Ai Mi, who had her ponytail tied up with a red ribbon, was holding Obama on a leash while standing in front of a street fruit vendor.

  Ai Mi was like a food inspector carefully inspecting the pears, watermelon, lychee, and mango in front of her and she didn’t notice me.

  004 and 005, who were guarding Ai Mi from afar was the first to notice me.

  The owner of the fruit stand was a middle aged auntie. She frequently sets up her stall near film city, so she was used to foreign tourists. The auntie wasn’t timid, nor did she show any signs of showing preferential treatment to the foreigner, she only said lethargically:

  “What are you looking at, just put the fruits in a bag. Do you know how to speak Chinese, if not, #@@*&*@####@@@%, @#$&^$*@*@##$#$$#$…”


  What the hell was she saying? Based on my limited knowledge on English, I think she was speaking English. I can’t believe a fruit seller auntie even spoke better English than me. I should just crash into and kill myself with one of those watermelons.

  Ai Mi wasn’t impressed with the auntie’s strange English and frowned: “I know how to speak Chinese, do you sell cola here.”


  Why are trying to do the impossible by buying cola at a fruit stand? Even if the auntie did have cola, there’s no way 004 and 005 would let you buy it.

  The auntie was shocked when she realized the blond loli in front of her spoke fluent Chinese and couldn’t help but ask”


  “Eh, where are you from? Are you not a tourist?”


  Ai Mi didn’t respond as if she didn’t hear the question. Then the auntie realized there was another urgent issue that had to be taken care of. Obama had stuck out his long tongue and was licking one of the apples on the stand.

  Was Obama going crazy from hunger that he would even eat an apple?

  “Hey, hey.” The auntie made a shooing motion, “Stop your dog from licking my fuji apples, I can’t sell them anymore.”


  “Did you hear that?” Ai Mi said sternly to Obama, “Stop licking it. The apples in China are all covered in pesticide, so now you need to get your stomach pumped when we go home.”


  Then Ai Mi lowered her voice and asked again like she was trying to buy drugs: “Do you sell cola here?”


  The auntie was baffled after being stared at Obama, she shook her head and said: “We don’t sell cola here, it’s full of chemicals. My fruits are way better than cola.”


  Ai Mi lost interest once she heard they didn’t have what she wanted, she clicked her tongue and said:

  “What kind of store is it if it doesn’t even have cola.”


  Then she left the Auntie and turned to leave.

  She saw me right when she turned around.

  “Huh, manservant, are you following me?”


  It was a coincidence. It’s hard not to notice you when you have blond hair and you’re walking a large dog.

  “It’s nothing to feel embarrassed about.” Ai Mi said complacently, “Since you’re a lowly manservant who loves me and you’re also the slave I love.”


  “Here, you hold the leash for a while.”


  Ai Mi handed over control of Obama to me. We both walked down the spacious street with the afternoon sun shining brightly on us.

  As we were chatting, I suddenly realized Ai Mi was gone. I looked around and found her hiding behind me to avoid the sun.

  “Manservant, when can you get as big as Peng TouSi so that your shadow can completely cover me.”


  Ai Mi didn’t seem pleased that my shadow could only cover a part of her.

  I’m sorry, but there’s no way I would ever get as large as Peng TouSi, he’s nearly the same size as the Hulk! Or are you willing to expose your brother to gamma radiation just so you can hide from UV rays?

  “Oh right, Kyle has been playing clap clap clap recently.”


  Ai Mi suddenly said.

  Clap clap… isn’t that a slang for intercourse? I mean Kyle is already over 18, so I don’t care who he has sex with, but don’t cause negative influences to my sister.

  “He’s absorbed to the point where he would do it whenever he has nothing else to do on set.”


  I could understand getting absorbed, but what do you mean on set? XXX on set? The open mindedness of Americans is completely changing my worldview.

  “Kyle not only plays with himself, but also keeps recommending it to others as a way to reduce stress. He even asked me yesterday if I wanted to do it with him…”


  Shit, does he want to die? I’ll give Xiao Qin a call and tell her to let the triads kidnap him!

  “Hmph, there’s no way I would play such a childish game with him. I can also reduce stress by eating chips and drinking cola.”


  As expected of my sister to thoroughly reject him, but to think chips is better than clap clap… most people can eat chips first before they are allowed to clap clap…


  “But after Kyle left, I was a bit bored and played it with myself a bit and it was quite fun.”


  Wait… wait, what did you say? What do you mean played it by yourself? Don’t you need at least two people to play?

  Or are you… did you DIY it yourself in the RV? That’s way too much information.

  “Now I feel empty without clap clap clap for a day…”


  Now you’re addicted? No need to tell me, because there’s nothing I can do for you.

  “Hey, manservant, you look a bit off.”


  Ai Mi gazed at me curiously.

  That’s because of the topic you’re talking about!

  Ai Mi got happier the worse I looked. She covered her mouth and snickered:

  “Are you jealous because Kyle and I are playing clap clap clap by ourselves without calling you? How about we play together next time.”


  Stop… how can you mention a taboo so casually. I never knew I had such a shameless sister.

  Ai Mi kicked a pebble that was on the street.

  “Oh right, you can’t play without the proper tools.”


  Ai Mi reached into her pocket and pulled out something.

  I can’t look. If it’s a tool for that, then it has to be a condom! I can’t believe my sister has already degenerated to the point where she would casually carry around condoms. Where did it all go wrong?

  What Ai Mi took out was actually a folded sheet of bubble wrap. Over half of the bubbles on one side had been popped.

  “Here’s the trending clap clap clap game. Every time you pop a bubble, it sounds like a clap. Do you want to give it a try?”


  Stop giving games random names! This childish game is usually something we only played in kindergarten!

  Back in the days, the Little Tyrant would sit on my back with a sheet of bubble wrap on the back of my head. She would pop it for an entire afternoon and now my head hurts just hearing that sound.